Why am I So Jealous and Insecure

I come to you with this post because I have been here many times. I occasionally come back too. “I should be far along by now.  I should be in a stable relationship if not married by now. I should know exactly what I should be doing and darn! Doing it already. I should be earning this type of salary. I should seriously be able to afford a vacation.” These crazy thoughts and embarrassingly more creep in my mind especially when I look at the girl/boy next to me enjoying one of these coveted things.

I am seated in church and this beautiful talented lady gets on stage and just does what she does best. I enjoy her performance for a few minutes then a sudden gushing wind of all that I am not rushes through me and i am no longer capable of enjoying her talent and gift. And because lately I have been quite the petty one, I also hated on her clothes and shoes that I really do like. LOL! Insane, right?  Of course, I mention this to no one because I do not need a team to tell me that this right here needs to be dealt with. Have you been here? If so please join me, keep reading.

  1. You have been triggered.

In that moment of envy and jealousy (I know! I too didn’t want to use these words) it was not hard at all for me to make it a HER problem, when it was a ME problem. She was not the reason why I felt inadequate, behind, unsuccessful or less beautiful. Those were there long before she showed up. Two women in the bible competed for attention, love and what they deemed successful for a man’s validation. Leah and Rachel. They constantly tried to one-up each other and thought they felt the way they did because of the other person. They were crazy jealous and envious of each other.I too couldn’t believe it even as i read. lol! They were completely unaware that how they felt about each other and themselves was out of the pain and disappointment they felt from within their own struggles for love, acceptance and success. Sometimes we too are! Even Jacob could not fix them. People are not why we feel these things. These things are in us and people around us just trigger them. They are not the reason why! We can release them.

    2) Just Entitlement.

“It should have been me!” “I am the one that lives a holy life.” “I strive for purity at all cost.” “I have been doing what she does for years!” “Why does she have the platform, the man, the opportunities, the blessing?” We have all been here. I have been here.Rachel was probably going like “I am the hot one”. “It’s clear that Jacob wants no one but me!” “He would choose me over her any day.” Then the inevitable happened! Leah was the one that got pregnant! Alijua Hajui! “It should have been me!” She might have cried out! At times we feel more deserving of things from God than others especially when we see others enjoying the blessing we so desire. We struggle to celebrate with them even as we trust God for our own blessing. All blessings come from God and when we celebrate with others, we celebrate Him.

  3) Trust is the issue.

When we look at other people and have a feeling of unhappiness gnawing in our hearts at the blessing and fortune in their lives, well, it goes back to how we view God and his ability to be God in our lives. In that moment of envy, our hearts express the doubt in us. We doubt his ability to do the things we trust Him for in His wise timing. These moments will always come. In those moments i quietly say to him, “I trust you Lord! I trust you and your timing completely. I trust that your plans for me are good and you will withhold nothing good from me.”  That always brings me back to perspective and peace. I urge you to try it some time.

4) ‘We brag different!’

We are all gifted differently.It is nothing but a waste of time, emotions and energy each moment we think that whoever is better or we are better than. We are just called to BE! That’s it. Our gifts work together, especially for us in the body of Christ. When we chop off each other by invalidating, criticizing and never celebrating each other’s gifts, it leaves all of us in pain and we never grow to excellence together.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way round. The body we’re talking about is Christ’s body of chosen people. Each of us find our meaning and function as part of his body. But as a chopped off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn’t amount to much would we? Since we find ourselves fashioned into  all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be  what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t. (Romans 12:4-6) Message Bible.

5) Stories of Great Friendships.

I am just done with these crazy petty lies from the devil that he tries to plant in my mind of invalidation, being overlooked, overshadowed and unloved. Tired with his attempt to separate us and breed jealousy and envy in our lives. I desire to connect with men and women for the greater benefit of God’s kingdom. I desire a Ruth and Naomi kind of friendship. Vulnerable and supportive. A Mary and Elizabeth relationship where my heart leaps in joy, excitement and love towards God when I see my friends and family blessed, excelling and basking in God’s love. Rachael and Leah could have had better if only they focused more on God and all that He is! Our security is in Him and He will remember our plight in the fullness of His love. Our validation is in Him. Our everything is Him.I desire a different story.

My #RelatableGang talk to me! What are your thoughts on this topic!Share them with us down below!⇓

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