He called me PLUS SIZE and I hated it.
I hated it that he called me plus -size.He kept on telling me ‘you know I ride for plus size women’ and I just had on my face this “boy if you do not stop talking” look. This happened a few times and I had to investigate why I felt so very triggered.
I have been working out consistently since January 2020 and it just hit me that one of my subconscious goals was to finally transition from plus size to skinny. I know! Now that I think of it, it is not as shocking because of everything that society has pumped into my young impressionable brilliant mind. Although, it is disturbing because I have a whole church where I proselytize self-love and body love.”Dear beloved, will you accept self-love as your personal savior in your journey towards healing, choosing healthy love, and thriving?” And the church says, Amen!
I did not even understand this internalized self-hatred that I had. Perhaps even body dysmorphia. When he called me plus size, I did not hear beautiful, curvy, or sexy. I just heard that you are not skinny, not acceptable yet, still need a lot of work, and society still has a problem with your appearance.
I know he meant good and his intentions were pure. I was projecting all the internalized body shame and in desperate need to journal my emotions and again, deal with my body-image issues. Self-love and body positivity is a lifelong journey for a woman if not for all humans. I can imagine the pressure that skinny women have to be called thick. The fight for a positive body image affects the skinny and plus size. There are times when you are winning the fight. Killing it. At times you aim the dagger at yourself and declare war on your holy creation. You get this internalized idea of how you think it should look (not to mention that at times is just nuts and unrealistic). Let’s all consider genetics and the various seasons of life.
I say STOP.
We have to stop and detox again and again. Pull up that mirror and log out of Instagram. You need to remind yourself of the journey you began once you accepted self-love. Who cares about what is trending? You are bigger than labels and trends. Society will label us a lot of things and attach judgments and feelings to them that may be as toxic as that guy that you dated that did not see your worth. (We all have those) We cannot get soaked up in all that rub-a-dub. We need to acknowledge these internalized feelings and judgments like I just did and let them go. Breathe them out as you stretch or yoga that body. What remains is a body that is less weighed with societal pressure and free to create. Free to create a life that is balanced and beautiful. A body that is perfectly okay with being imperfectly perfect.
Our bodies speak to us. Carries us. It is not disgusting and deserves to occupy space as it wills. It wants to be loved well. To be spoken to kindly and warmly. It is not disgusting. Just like anything else it changes and sometimes fails health-wise, but it can be held in compassion, love, and respect. It carries your fire and glory. Sometimes anxieties and fears. Not to worry. It is speaking. It is living and earthing. It is holy. Your body is holy. It craves your attention and worship. Your touch, love, and care. You need your body and it needs you. Workouts or no workouts. Plus size or skinny.Healthy or struggling. It is beautiful and deserving of your undying love.
On your body and self-love journey, take time to detox occasionally from the negative narratives that we hear from the society that end up becoming our internalized beliefs.
It all happens in the mind first. The journey continues………